My sister passed away unexpectedly this week. She was 62 years old. Strangely I didn’t feel much. As a cardiologist who encourages people to live from the heart, who helps people learn to connect to their heart for healing, my heart was silent. A vacuum cavernous and intensely occupied the space beneath my sternum.

She had been living on the edge emotionally and psychologically for a number of years. Tittering precariously between sanity and mental chaos had been exhausting-Not only for her but for everyone who slogged through her orbital path.

When I heard the news of her passing, my heart didn’t know what to feel. I didn’t cry. I couldn’t cry, not yet. Relief that her suffering had finally ended blotted out the tiny pangs of grief that welled up inside. And anger surged.

“How could you not take your meds? Didn’t you want to live a normal life? Or even live?

You had a blood clot but refused the blood thinners.

Now, Slumped over in the passenger seat of your son’s Kia Soul collecting the ashes of your recently passed away cousin, outside Roanoke, you neglected help to the end.

But I realized it wasn’t her fault. She was ill.

My heart will grieve. The sobs will come.

The wide, wonderful mystery of life will surge like a cascading river. It will clean and purge my heart, depositing it’s renewing scent of heavenly Love.

I will connect deeply to my heart and inhale its intoxicating elixir. The Love will wash me clean.

Dr. Kirk Laman
The Wholehearted Cardiologist.